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Connie Conflict and Annie Anger: Dealing with Conflict Among Members

July 9, 2009 | Comments Off

Here’s a chapter that didn’t make it into Why Didn’t You Warn Me? How to Deal With Challenging Group Members. I thought I’d share it with you. Then I’d love to hear your ideas.

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CONNIE CONFLICT and ANNIE ANGER are neighbors. They hate one another. No one is quite sure when the animosity began, although there are lots of stories. Each of them joined your small group without knowing that the other was also joining. Now you have open warfare on your hands. Each has steadfastly declared that she won’t leave and let the other win. What can you do?

Pray. As much as you want peace to reign in your group, it’s unlikely to occur without some concerted prayer. And even with prayer, you may lose one or both of these members. You need to pray for wisdom and discernment.

Try to take action. Should you try to get them together to talk? You can try, but don’t be surprised if one or both are unwilling. Should you allow one or both of them to quit the group? You probably don’t have much choice. Should you decide who’s to stay and who’s to go? Never! Should you talk privately with each and point out the sin of their anger? Absolutely!

Separate them. You may also try putting them in separate small groups if yours is a large Bible study. That will reduce, but not eliminate, their interaction. Or perhaps you know of another small group one of them might benefit from. While you’d prefer to end the warfare, you may be most effective if you can work with one or both of them privately.

Don’t allow the fight to polarize your group. If both women decide to stay in the group (and that’s unlikely in the long run), you can’t allow their argument to polarize the group or create an uncomfortable air. You need to talk with each separately and be very clear about the ground rules. If the feud continues, treat them as unrepentant individuals continuing in sin. Whatever you do, you must stay in control.

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