Aug

14

Moving Forward – Part 1

August 14, 2008 | Comments Off


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If you’ve led a group for long, or been a member of a group–or been alive—for very long, you’ve met Wanda or Wally Woe, people who had a difficult childhood and therefore, still live in the past. Their childhood wounds become the template for their present weaknesses, sins, and failures. They wear them like a badge of honor: “I was abused, so …..” Nothing you do seems to make a difference. After all, how could you possibly understand their deep wounds? Because I do a lot of counseling and discipleship with wounded people, my life seems to be full of Wandas and Wallys. And because I’ve healed from a difficult, abusive childhood, I feel qualified to comment.

When I started reading Moving Forward: Taking the Lead in Your Life by Dave Pelzer, I was so excited. I was flying to Texas and kept reading excerpts to my companion, a clinical psychologist. We knew the people he was talking about. Knew them well. I resonated with his no holds barred “suck it up” approach because ultimately, that was what I had to do to heal. Yes, I benefited from wonderful, sensitive counseling, but I didn’t heal until I decided to heal. When Jesus asked the man at the pool of Bethseda, “Do you want to get well?” he wasn’t just making conversation. Intentionality is more than half the battle to healing emotional wounds.

Pelzer, the author of the best-selling A Child Called It which details his childhood years of horrendous abuse, pulls no punches in telling his readers to “get over it.” He overcame his background to become a successful motivational speaker, which gives him some street cred.

This is not a Christian book, so Pelzer uses language and concepts you might not find in your average CBA store. But frankly, it works. In my favorite example, he talks about Joe who attended one of his book signings and was whining about his horrible childhood and his inability to let go of the “crap.” Pelzer offers appropriate understanding, then makes a suggestion (warning: graphic):

“So, since you can’t get rid of all that crap in your life, here’s what I want you to do… The next time you go to the bathroom, and I don’t mean number one, but number two, I don’t want you to go in the toilet, but instead, I want you to go in a garbage bag. That’s right. A big, thick, heavy duty industrial strength sack, ‘cause I’m sure you got a lot of doo-doo that’s been backed up for a while. Then, since you can’t let go of all your crap, well then…don’t. Keep it. Keep it with you. You heard right. I want you to take it with you everywhere you go. Everywhere! I want you to physically take your crap with you all over—drag your bag to the bedroom when you make up your bed, to your bathroom when you shave, to the kitchen, where you can plunk it on the chair next to you when you have your cup of double espresso latte… Then I want you to place your bag of doo in the front passenger seat when you drive to work, sit it beside you in your work space. Take it with you to the watercooler during your break, keep it with you when you go to the movies, to the gym, and on your dates, and then late at night, when you and your bag-o’-crap are all alone, you can snuggle up next to it to keep you company. I betcha after two or three days of walking around with all the crap that continues to fill your bag day after day, you’ll so want to get rid it. Won’t you, Joe?” After a few more lingering seconds of dead air, all Ol’ Joe could do was nod his head in agreement.

About a week after reading Moving Forward, while doing prayer ministry at a worship service, I was praying for a young woman whose voice was so low I could barely hear her. (One of the symptoms of childhood abuse is have “no voice.”). She barely managed to whisper that she had been molested. Although she sounded as if it had happened within the past hour, upon questioning she said it was when she was seven. I asked how old the perp was. She responded, “Nine.” I asked how long it had continued. “Twice.” Now I fully understand that every incident of inappropriate touching can adversely affect a child, but this woman was in her early 20s. She had been wearing a ‘two-incident fondling by another child’ for 11 years. Her life had been severely hindered by many symptoms that I would usually associate with a lifetime of profound abuse. So, I told her the “crap” story. She looked at me in shock and then agreed that it was time to let go of that incident and move on. We prayed and she seemed to be better. Question is, will she be willing to move on?

More thoughts on this book tomorrow.

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