Mar

15

When the Leader is the Problem

March 15, 2007 |

Judy asked about the leader who is a challenge. She said, “I’ve attended a group where the leader is so “gungho” that the attendees feel like their comments are an interruption. And at times she rejects their comment and rewords it. An example: I said I had felt envious of someone about something; she immediately said “You didn’t feel envy, you felt pride.” I left that day feeling violated- that what I said was rejected. Any advice?”

Great question. Wow! This is a touchy one, but all too common. Being a leader is hard, and unless a leader has a strong set of values about how to lead, it’s easy to go overboard. There can be many reasons for this. I see two problems in the story you shared. First, you say she makes the attendees feel their comments are an interruption. This can happen when a leader is teaching rather than facilitating. The value here is “facilitate rather than teach.” People remember best that which they say themselves.

The problem is that the leader has usually prepared more than anyone else and is often more invested in the group than anyone else. She probably has some wonderful insights she’s dying to share. And if the leader has any sense of insecurity, or if the leader gets any of her legitimacy from her role as a good leader, then it’s easy to be so consumed with teaching that you make the attendees feel more like an audience than participants. The only way around this is to be incredibly intentional in facilitating. In being deliberate in wanting to hear from the members of the group, and to value them.

The second problem is the insensitive way the leader responded to you. Who knows whether she actually has an insight and didn’t communicate it well or if she’s so full of herself that she didn’t even see you. (In which case, the pride is hers…) Two things I always stress are to use “I” messages and use tentative language.

So instead of the response she gave you, how would you have felt if she said something like, “Hmm, tell me more about how you reacted.” And then perhaps, if appropriate, followed it with, “I wonder if in addition to envy, their might have been a touch of pride affecting your response as well?” The use of “I” messages and tentative language treats you with dignity and gives you the freedom to say, “No, I don’t see that,” or depending on your degree of accountability and comfort, “Hmm, tell me more. Do you really see pride I me? What does it look like to you?”

I’m sorry that happened to you. Chapter Two in Why Didn’t You Warn Me? How to Deal with Challenging Group Members addresses this problem and helps the leader make sure she isn’t the problem.


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